


A study of addiction in Isak Valtersen.

by storyboy99 (orphan_account)



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Addiction, M/M, Smoking, smoking fetish, tw: smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-25
Updated: 2017-10-25
Packaged: 2019-01-22 15:48:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12485180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/storyboy99
Summary: Isak is very anti-smoking. That is until he starts developing an addition of his own.





	A study of addiction in Isak Valtersen.

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not smoke, I have never ever in my life smoked. So, readers that do smoke, forgive me if smoking is nothing like this. My only sources are stories from the internet.
> 
> This is a stupid crack fic. Please don’t be offended by it, I just had this idea in my head and had to develop it. 
> 
> I would have loved writing smut in this, because god knows i would love to read it, but I’m totally useless at it so, there’s that. Sorry. 
> 
> This is not beta read, because I don’t know anyone in real life who would want to read this. English is not my first language so sorry if there are too many mistakes. 
> 
> Also, I know that Even is the kind of guy that would quit if Isak asked him to, especially since he was not deep into the addition. But let’s pretend for the sake of the fic.
> 
> I hope you like it!!!

It all started in a party.

And man, was it a mindfuck.

Isak hated smoking with all his heart. Hated the smell, hated the visuals. All his life he had hated it, since he was a child and convinced his parents to stop smoking. (Ok, in all fairness, he probably didn’t convince them, but they wanted to quit anyways and let him believe that it was because of his efforts).

He had acquaintances that smoked, sure. It bothered him and he tried to keep his distances when they were smoking.

So when he saw Even smoking at Mikael’s party, his heart was crushed. He couldn’t believe it. Even didn’t smoke. Weed? Sure. But never in a year together had he seen him smoke a cigarette.

He was feeling everything at once. Sadness, disappointment… but there was also a tiny part of his brain that thought “ _God, that is hot as fuck_ ”.

As he observed from a distance that part was growing bigger and bigger by the second. Even was laughing and talking with his friends mindlessly, and once in a while he put the cigarette between his lips (" _Oh jesus christ"_ ) and sucked on it while making a face that should be in every tobacco product ad.

Isak was normally attracted to Even. Very attracted to Even, mind you. He could usually get him hard just looking at him. But this, this was uncalled for. He was on the other side of the room, minding his own business, and making Isak hard as hell without a single look.

He didn’t want to act on it, though. He was still very disappointed and confused, so he tried to put on a good face and went to hang out with his friends for the rest of the night.

 

* * *

 

Later, Even hugged him from behind and kissed the back of his neck.

“I’m ready to go home. I miss you”. He said, his breath hot into his ear.

Isak shuddered with want, but couldn’t help to notice that he smelled like smoke.  
  


* * *

 

 

When they were walking home, Isak was very quiet. He couldn’t forget the visuals. He hated it, yet he was turned on by it. “ _How can I be turned on by death_ ”, he thought dryly.

“What’s the matter, baby? Are you ok?”.

Isak didn't speak for a while, not being sure if he should say something or not.

“It’s just… I didn’t know you smoked. Or… well, I guess you don’t, since you haven’t done it since I’ve known you. But it was very weird watching you smoke today”.

Even raised his eyebrows, looking at him with an amused smile.

“Oh! I didn’t even think that could be it. I haven’t smoked in over a year but I thought… since I should not smoke weed or drink too much, I may as well enjoy cigarettes for a while!”.

“But Even!! You can’t just enjoy them for a while and that’s that! They are addictive! And they are very bad for your health!”. Isak hated being _that person_ , but he was seriously worried.

“The last time I kicked the addiction in just a few weeks, Isak. It was difficult, and I was cranky as hell, but it was not impossible. And I didn’t even smoke so much when I did it back then. Just a pack or two a week. I haven’t even miss them that much in this time. But tonight… oh Isak. It was amazing. The buzz that the nicotine gave me, oh my god. I know they are bad for me, and I know that I won’t smoke forever, or even that much. But with no other high from weed or booze.. It’s nice to have something that won’t mess with my disorder.”

Isak was feeling terrible. He didn’t want to be the one telling Even what he could or could not do. But he didn’t want his boyfriend to be a smoker.

“I just… I hate smoking. I hate what it does to people. I hate the addiction, and I hate the smell”.

Even was kind of taken aback by this. His face went serious and looked at Isak with deep concern.

“I’m so sorry, Isak. I didn’t know that you felt that way. You never said anything!”.

“Well, because no one that I know that well smokes. And in parties and such I just go to the other side of the room and try not to look bothered”.

“Ok. Then… I promise not to smoke when I’m with you, ok? And I will shower and brush my teeth before kissing you. Do you feel like this is a good compromise?”

Isak didn’t feel like it was a good compromise, mainly because the only acceptable thing would have been that Even didn’t smoke at all. But Even was looking at him so hopeful and so raw. And he felt terrible that Even couldn’t smoke weed anymore, and only drink maybe one beer at every party. He didn’t want to be selfish, so he said yes.

When they got home, Even kept his promise and showered and brush his teeth before coming to bed. And meanwhile, a very confused Isak was already half-hard thanks to the mental image of Even smoking at the party.

 

* * *

 

 

This went on for a few weeks. Even would come back from university, or from work, smelling like smoke. He always kept his promise about the shower, and he never ever smoked in front of Isak. A part of Isak thought that this was a tragedy, because he couldn’t stop picturing it. Every time they had sex Isak knew that Even was itching for a smoke, and he imagined what it would be like to watch it. Even smoking, right there, in bed, next to him studying his every move. And every time he grew hard again.

Even used to leave his pack laying around at home. And Isak didn’t mean to keep track of how much Even smoked, but he couldn’t help but notice that he was smoking more and more every day. At first a pack lasted him a week, and then it was two packs, and then a little bit more. He was becoming more worried, and at the same time, more aroused. But also, it really bothered him when they were kissing (which was often) because the smell didn’t go away with toothpaste of a mint. It was deeper. Or maybe he was just over sensitive. It was just his luck.

So when he started looking for information about smoking in the internet, it was only to find out how to get Even to quit without being the one that instigate it. And to find out at which age Even was going to die of lung cancer. And to find out more about electric cigarettes.

He found all of those, but he also found other kind of things. Like people explaining why smoking felt so great. Why addiction was so powerful. How they started smoking, and why. How many they would smoke a day, and in which situations.

And man, it made him hard. He didn’t understand why, or how, but it did. He read and read and read, and he would jerk off to the reading. He felt like a weirdo. But it worked so beautifully.

He also found studies that explained that _it wasn’t so bad_. That you have to smoke a lot for a very long time for it to be deadly. That cancer is produced by a mutation of a gene that _you have to have_ and that mutation can be triggered by a single puff of a single cigarette, or by inhaling contamination from cars. Obviously chances increase the more you smoke, but technically, you could trigger it with just one cigarette. Or never trigger it at all.

Reading all the scientific data made him realize that smoking was very bad, yes, but not as bad as the government said in its propaganda. That many people smoked because they were addicted, but also because they enjoyed it immensely.

He was already very curious, wanting to experiment the nicotine buzz and the calmness that everyone described. Wanted to feel the claws of addiction. It was stupid, he knew, but the arousal it made him feel to think about it was great. Anyway, he was reticent because the smell, and the taste he imagined was terrible.

In one of his sessions searching the internet for smoking stories, he read that when you are a smoker, even a casual smoker, you can’t really smell the stink of the others smokers. And the smoke doesn’t bother you anymore. So he figured that if he tried a couple of times, maybe he could grow accustomed to it, and not be so bothered with Even’s smell.

 

* * *

 

 

Another week passed and he didn’t stop thinking about it for a single second. Rationally, he knew it was a really, _really_ bad idea. But short term, it had great pros. He would be able to kiss Even without that tiny bother at the back of his mind. He would feel that buzz that everyone talked about. It would help with his anxiety. And if he was going to smell bad, well, it’s not like Even was going to be bothered by it, right? Smokers don’t have a good sense of smell.

And maybe, just maybe, he was one of those persons that didn’t get addicted. They existed. People that could quit cold turkey without a second thought. Maybe he could just enjoy the pros for a little while and then just stop. Or maybe he would not like it at all and he wouldn’t be able to become a smoker. But at least then he would stop wondering.

While Even was in the shower, he took a couple of his cigarettes from his pack and hid them away. He would try when he wasn’t home. No point of making a fool of himself in front of him.

Even left for his evening shift at the café and Isak was left alone wondering if maybe he should reconsider. But at one point, he didn’t care anymore. He knew he just had to try.

For a second, he panicked thinking that he didn’t know what to do. He had read that it was really different that smoking weed, so that knowledge was not going to be useful. So he stopped before he even began and typed “ _How to smoke cigarettes_ ” in Google.

They were surprisingly detailed, the explanations that he found, after he passed the “ _No! Don’t smoke!_ ” posts. So now he knew that he wasn’t supposed to linger the smoke in the throat because it would damage it and cause him to cough, and that he was supposed to inhale the same as he was breathing.

So he did it. He put the cigarette in his lips, and lighted it while taking a small drag. He started coughing immediately, and even though he meant to inhale he couldn’t. The taste was so horrid that he forgot to and then it burned his throat. The coughing was so bad that he nearly threw up.

He didn’t, though. He pulled through it, and took a few deep breaths. He tried with another little puff, smaller this time. Didn’t get to inhale yet, but he didn’t cough as bad as before. It tasted bad nevertheless. Again, he breathed in and out a few times, and tried again. No coughing this time. Not inhaling, either. Just becoming accustomed with the terrible taste. He tried to enjoy the exhaling smoke part. He kind of did.

Then he tried to focus on feeling some kind of buzz or high. He realized he was a little light-headed, but it was probably because he had been really nervous before, and he began to relax when he stopped coughing and started puffing more or less regularly. He still didn’t feel the magic that had been promised to him.

He thought that at least he would finish the cigarette, and then he could say that he had tried and failed.

He puffed a few more times, every time the taste was less bad. Not good, of course. But just… he was getting used to it. Or his mouth was anyway.

So he finished it. Isak Valtersen’s first cigarette. He felt kind of good. Like grown up or something. It was really stupid, he knew. But he had accomplished something. He had made an adult decision. On his own.

He stored away the other cigarette, just in case.

 

* * *

 

When Even got home that night he saw the ashtray and looked at Isak with a puzzle face.

“Hi baby! Did anyone visit or…?”.

“No, it was me. I smoked a cigarette”.

“What? Why?” Even looked confused and a little upset.

“I… I just wanted to try. I wanted to know why people do it. I wanted to feel it too”.

“But… you hate it! And it’s so bad baby! I don’t want you to be addicted to it!”

“Well, yes, I hate it, but I thought if I tried I could understand it better. And I’ve made some research and it’s not so bad as I thought. I mean, of course is bad, just not _doomsday_ bad”.

“Isak… I’m so sorry, this is my fault. If I wouldn’t have picked up smoking again you wouldn’t have felt the need to try”.

“I guess… probably not. But it’s not your fault, I wanted to try. I did because I decided to. I don’t think I’ll do it again anyway”.

“You could have told me. I would have been with you while you tried. I could have told you a few tricks of something”.

“No way. I coughed a lung here. I was unsexy as hell. I couldn’t let you see me like that”.

“Like you could be unsexy. That’s impossible.” Even leaned to kiss Isak but stopped abruptly. “Sorry, I have to shower and brush my teeth first, I smoked earlier”.

“Don’t worry for this time, Even. I smoked too, so we’re even”.

When they kissed the smell it didn’t bother Isak so much.

 

* * *

 

 

A couple of days passed and Isak found himself alone in his apartment again. He suddenly felt that it would be nice to smoke. Just to try again. In some of the stories he read the second time was the charm. When the magic happens. And he was really horny, so it would be good if he didn’t have to wait for Even to shower tonight before they could have sex.

He took the cigarette out of its hiding place and smelled it. He had always hated the smell even of the unlit tobacco, and now he wondered why. It didn’t smell bad; in fact, it smelled kind of nice. He played with it a little between his fingers, and mentally prepared himself for it. The awful taste. The coughing fit. He wanted to manage to inhale this time.

So he lighted it but didn’t try to inhale from the first drag. He just tried not to cough. Successfully. This motivated him to inhale in his next puff. Which he did.

He felt a sharp pain in his lungs as smoke filled them. He was shocked for a few seconds, and then he exhaled slowly. While he exhaled, he felt his brain go in awe.

“ _Oh. That’s why_ ”.

That was why people smoked. The pain of his lungs was so great. It hurt, but it was so fulfilling at the same time. Kind of like getting fucked. It hurts a little but it is what makes it so good. And the buzz… the magic had finally happened to him. He felt relaxed and calm and light-headed and aroused.

He puffed again and more intensely. He wanted to feel everything this could do to him. And if the last drag was good, this was _incredible_. The lungs were more fulfilled, the sensation that bathed his body was more acute. The pain in the throat and in the lungs just made him feel it more.

It still tasted bad, but he couldn’t care less. He was dawned with the realization that this wasn’t going to be his last cigarette.

He finished it with a few deep drags, and felt so dizzy that had to lay down for a while. He was also grateful that he didn’t have any more because if he did, he would have smoked another one immediately. He knew that he wasn’t physically addicted, of course, it was impossible. But he wanted to feel like this forever.

 

* * *

 

 

He had dozed off when Even arrived home.

“Isak! Did you smoke again? I thought you didn’t like it last time!”.

“Yeah… but I was still curious so I tried again, and… Even, this time I loved it”.

“What? Don’t tell me that Isak, I really don’t want you to smoke”.

“But you do it! And if it’s bad for me it’s bad for you too”.

“Yeah but… you’re not addicted yet! Please don’t become addicted”.

“You told me that you could quit when you wanted to, so you’re not addicted either and still do it. Anyway Even, don’t worry, it’s not like I’m going to be smoking a pack a day, I just… I think I’ll enjoy one once in a while. It made me feel really good”.

“But it creeps on you, Isak. You think you can be in control but you really can’t. It’s shit. I started again with a few cigarettes a day and now you see, I’m smoking so much more”.

Isak kissed him sweetly, and tried to ease his mind.

“I know Even, and I don’t mind. And if I smoke sometimes it would not bother me if you smoke at home as well. And… you could smoke if front of me if you wanted to”.

“No, I won't do that. I know you don’t like it”.

“But, it's just that… I really really like it. I can’t stop thinking about that night when I saw you smoking. I have jerked off so many times thinking about it. I didn’t want to accept it, but I loved it”.

“What? Are you telling me that you have a smoking fetish?”. He was confused as hell, but also amused and incredulous.

“I think that I do. But only with you. I have seen people smoking all my life and all I felt was disgust. With you… I felt something very different”.

Even didn’t know what to say, or what to do, so Isak suggested something.

“So… Even. Would you like us to smoke a cigarette and have sex?”

He was so anxious. He was nervous for watching Even smoking, and also for smoking in front of Even for the first time. He didn’t want to look ridiculous. But just to think about it, he was getting hard already.

Even laughed. “Isak, it’s usually the other way around”.

“Yeah but… I find the thought so hot… come on, Even”. He whispered in Even’s ear while cupping his cock through his jeans.

“No, Isak. You already smoked today and I don’t want you to get hooked. We’ll do the smoking part another day, all right?”

Isak was slightly disappointed, but far too gone already and the promise of another day worked for him well enough.

 

* * *

 

 

He promised himself he wouldn’t take cigarettes from Even’s pack until Even was ok with it.

Three days has passed and he missed the feeling. He had only felt it once and wanted to do it again. Soon. But he didn’t want to upset Even by proposing it. He could wait a little more, he thought. It’s better the longer you wait, anyway. At least that’s what the internet says.

So when Even started kissing his neck and caressing his thighs, he thought he would have to wait some more.

But when they were cuddling after sex and Even was mindlessly stroking Isak’s curls, he said distractedly “I would love to have a smoke right now.”

Isak saw his window of opportunity right there right then. And smiled while looking at Even.

“Ok, let’s do it”.

Even didn’t look like he understand Isak. So he clarified.

“Let’s have a smoke, Even”.

“Oh shit, Isak, did I say it out loud?”

“You bet you did. So please, can we?”

Even was clearly conflicted. But at the end, he said “Fuck it” and went to get his pack.

He gave it to Isak, but he refused.

“I prefer to see you smoking for now. You wanted to, right?”

Even looked at him funny, but put a cigarette between his lips and lit up.

Isak was melting. He was freshly fucked but was getting so hard he felt no blood was left in the brain.

“Oh my god Even, those lips, you’re going to kill me”.

Even smiled and passed him the cigarette. “That felt so good. I’ve never had one just after sex since I quitted last time”.

Isak took a long drag, wanting to feel everything that he missed so much for the last days. But he ended up having a coughing fit. Again. In front of Even. He was mortified.

“Easy, easy! Isak! You can’t just smoke like that if it’s like your first time”.

“Excuse me, it’s my third time! And I didn’t have any problems last time!”

“Yeah but you have to ease your throat into it. It’s been a few days, so your body built the walls again. Take a small puff and work it from there”.

So Isak puffed a few times and then he felt confident enough to inhale again.

And boom. Magic again. He felt amazing.

Even started to laugh. Isak looked at him puzzled.

“Your face, Isak. It’s the face that you get when you get an orgasm”.

“Don’t laugh at me! I just like it a lot, ok? I’m not even bothered by the taste anymore”.

“Ok, ok, easy. Pass me the cigarette. Don’t be selfish”.

He passed it, but for entirely selfish reasons. The combination of his own high with the sight of Even smoking was too much. Even was an expert and it showed. He sucked so beautifully, exhaled like a pro, enjoyed it so much. He was a fetishist, apparently. He took the cigarette from Even’s hands, had a deep drag and put it out. They were going to need the mouths and the hands for another matter.

 

* * *

 

 

“I shouldn’t tell you this… but, you should try to smoke a cigarette when drunk. It’s completely different, and even more amazing”.

Isak was excited to hear that. “Even more amazing?”

“Yeah, well. I don’t know. Amazing. But I should tell you. The high you get with it won’t last, Isak. When you’re properly hooked you won’t feel the same high unless you spend a lot of time without smoking. That’s why it felt so good for me when I started again”.

“Yeah, but… you still enjoy it, right?”

“Yes, but it’s different. Not so… fucking intense. It’s more like a need. Like breathing or eating. And it feels fucking good, don’t get me wrong. But it’s not the same. To approach the same feeling you need to smoke so much more, in order to get the nicotine level that shocks your brain, or so much less so your brain will need less to achieve the same sensation”.

“Oh, ok”

“That’s why it feels so good to smoke when drinking or smoking weed. It enhances the feeling _a lot_. We’ll try at the next party. But you should not smoke like, everyday. That way you can still get the good high everytime”.

“Well, that’s ok. It’s not like I’m hooked”.

 

* * *

 

 

Needless to say, he did smoke everyday. Well, just a little. It was just that after sex, he would encourage Even to smoke one, and then he took a few drags from it. It still felt amazing, and seeing Even smoking always guaranteed a second round. He could not help himself.

A few days later he was doing groceries and saw the cigarette packs right there. He felt a tingling in his lungs. He really, really, wanted one. Also, it was getting kind of old that he always smoked Even’s. It wasn’t fair. So he bought one pack, the same that Even smoked. No point on trying anything new when he already liked this brand.

Because yes, he liked it. Not just the feeling. Not just the visuals of Even with a cigarette in his lips. He had to admit to himself that it didn’t taste bad anymore. He kind of enjoyed the bitterness, like with the alcohol.

He went home because he didn’t like the idea of smoking while walking. He wanted to enjoy it, completely focused in the cigarette. He put the groceries away while having the pack in his pocket. It gave him a weird comfort.

He smoked and he felt amazing again. He told himself that he wasn’t hooked yet, because he still felt great. Not that he cared too much, he knew he would be smoking for a while. But it was nice that he could still feel the high.

He realized that he didn’t feel so aroused when he himself smoked. Just a little. It was like a nice extra. With Even it was a full blown hard-on every time. He needed to work on that before they were to the next party. He knew that Even would smoke in front of him now, no point of not doing it. But it would be unfortunate having to leave every party early as soon as Even lighted up.

He finished it and felt content. Like he didn’t have to worry about the upcoming exams, about her mother’s health, about his father texting. He felt at peace. He also felt that it would be just _so good_ to smoke another one of _his cigarettes_. It was great owning them, knowing that he could smoke them when _he wanted_. He didn’t, though. He needed to be an adult. He shouldn’t get himself sick chain smoking.

When Even arrived home and saw Isak’s pack on the table, he threw him a stern look, but sat and took one.

“You owe me”.  
  


* * *

 

 

Isak wasn’t smoking so much. For real. He just smoked one alone when arrived home from school. He didn’t even take them to class, because he didn’t want to smoke with people around. Even, yes. Hell yes. But no, he didn’t get the smokers sociability just yet. He wasn’t a very sociable person, why the hell would he want to hang out with people he didn’t know just because they shared the same enjoyment? It didn’t make sense to him. He wanted to relax, to focus and enjoy the fuck out of his cigarette. Not like he could do that with people around.

So, he did smoke when he arrived home. And when Even came, they would share one while talking about their day. And then after sex. Also shared. So, two, three tops. It wasn’t a lot. He still felt amazing every time.

 

* * *

 

 

Even had felt more free to smoke around the house, now that Isak didn’t mind the smell. So he smoked every time he felt like it. Which included mornings, with coffee.

“Mmmm…. That’s the stuff”.

“Hmm?”

Even regretted what he said. He still didn’t want Isak to smoke as much as him. Now he didn’t have a choice but to explain.

“I mean… remember what I said about alcohol and weed? The coffee goes great with a cigarette too”.

“Fuck it, I want to try”.

He went to grab his own pack, which was coming to an end, and smoked while taking his coffee.

He loved it.

 

* * *

 

So he kept doing it, everyday before school. Jonas noticed.

“Dude, have you started smoking or something?”

“Yeah…” He didn’t feel so good about it now that he had to face his friend.

“Why? Is it because Even does it? I thought you were more mature, Isak”.

“Well, not exactly. It’s a part of it, though. I tried because I wanted to, I was curious. I kept doing it because I love it so much. Helps with my anxiety too”.

“Still.. I don’t get it, man. You hate it. You hated me for weeks when I tried it in middle school”.

“Yeah, but. Now I don’t, ok? You just have to get used to it. It’s not like I smoke a lot, anyway. Just like four or five a day”.

“That’s a lot, Isak. One thing is just to do it at parties or something, but, like, everyday? You’re a smoker now!”.

“Well, that’s life I guess”. He was pissed and left Jonas at the lockers without looking back. Also, he wanted a smoke. It was time he bought a new pack anyways, because his pack ended a few days ago and he was taking Even’s.

So he bought one and smoked in a park. He didn’t enjoy it so much, but it was because of his stupid fight with Jonas. He was pissed. But it helped. It helped a lot.

 

* * *

 

 

It was friday and there was a house party. They hadn’t been in one in a few weeks because Even had to work and Isak didn’t feel like going without him. But this friday they were finally going.

Isak had been kind of obsessing about smoking while drinking. He knew that it was the normal way to start. People would try one while shitfaced and kept doing it at parties and then they would end up addicted. He was doing it backwards, but now he would appreciate more the buzz that smoking while drinking was going to give him.

He restrained himself, and didn’t smoke until he was four beers in. He wanted to really feel it. Wanted to be properly drunk before doing it. He even stopped himself to take the cigarette from Even’s hands, a gesture that was now very natural to him.

And it paid off. When he finally lighted up his first cigarette of the night, it was like a miracle. He felt on top of the world. He felt completely drunk and at the same time perfectly sober. He thought he could do anything. He kissed Even so fiercely that he scared him a little.

He chain smoked the rest of the night. Even looked at him with concern and worry, and Jonas was appalled. The rest of his friends figured that it was a drunken thing. But by the end of the night, his pack was empty, and his throat hurting.

He bought a new pack in the gas station on the way home.

 

* * *

 

Exams were starting the following week, and Isak was focusing on acing them. It was only the first term, but he wanted the grades to show his good work.

To say that he was stressed was an understatement.

He was studying at home while Even was on his laptop working on a project for university. He was smoking and Isak took the cigarette from his lips, exchanging it for a kiss.

Even took it right back.

“No, don’t be bad Isak. You shouldn’t smoke more that you do already. It’s more that you intended to, anyway!”

“But Eveeeeen” he said with a little annoyed voice “I’m so stressed. And it smells so goood”.

“Do you remember when the smell disgusted you?”

“Yeah but what did I know. I promise that if you give me a puff I’ll leave you alone”.

“If you really want to you have your own pack right there. You don’t need my approval”.

“But I do Even!! I don’t want you to be disappointed in me. It’s just, I’m so stressed and I feel that a cigarette would calm me down a little”.

“Yeah but then, you would want one every time you study. And you already smoke one when you get up, one when you get home, and a few with me in the evenings, and a lot more at parties and…”

“Yeah yeah. But you, you smoke so much more! You’re up to a pack a day. And it makes me a little jealous. I just want one now, Even”.

“Ok, but go get your own. I don’t think I have many more left and I don’t want to go to the store tonight”.

So Isak smoked his own cigarette and his focus was off the charts. He had the most productive study session. Once he finished it, he rewarded himself with another cigarette. When Even looked at him with sadness in his eyes, he erased it with kisses and cuddles.

 

* * *

 

The next afternoon he was home alone, with Even working the closing shift. He tried to study but he could only think that if he smoked he would be more productive. That thought was eating his brain so he smoked one and he felt so relieved. Like he could breath again. And while he smoked, he concentrated so hard on the subject that when he realized it, he had lighted up another one.

He was so focused that when he finished his fourth cigarette he realized that, while he had studied _a lot_ , he did not enjoy the smoking. Well, he did, of course. But he did not purposely _enjoy_ it. He didn’t stop and relax and took pleasure in it. He just consumed them like it was breathing.

He worried a little, wondering if he was already addicted, and concluded that he possibly was, but he was going to make the most out of the focusing properties of nicotine during the exam period. Then he’d think about it.

 

* * *

 

 

When Even got home to a full ashtray he was shocked. He really, really, shouldn’t have been, because Isak texted him to bring him a pack on his way home. But apparently, Even didn’t believe that Isak would have already finished his pack. Until he saw.

“Isak, are you kidding me. You have smoked like, _a lot”._

“I know. It helps me focusing. I will cut back when I finish my exams”.

“It’s not so simple! Remember what I told you at the beginning? If your brain gets used to this much nicotine, it will be harder and harder to feel anything from smoking! So cutting back will be much difficult. And in a few months you’ll have more exams, and then what?”

“I know, baby. But I need to ace this exams. I’ll think about it in two weeks”.

Even was upset, so he lighted up a cigarette. “I hate it, Isak. I used to enjoy them, but now that I see what they do to you, I hate them. I don’t even feel the buzz that much anymore. I just need them to function. But you don’t. Don’t do this to yourself”.

“Don’t say that Even. I love it. I never, ever, thought that I would like smoking. At first I figured I wouldn’t hate it and I would get a nice feeling and whatever. But I fucking love it. I don’t regret having started”.

“But you will”.

“Maybe, but not right now. And when I look at you, so hot, smoking right next to me, I’m glad that I can share this with you. Makes me so horny. The combination kills me, Even. And I’m very sad that you can’t enjoy them anymore”.

He took the cigarette out of Even’s hand and took a drag.

“I’m going to try something. I can’t believe we haven’t done it yet”.

“What?”

“We are going to shotgun”.

Even’s pupils grew wider and Isak took that as a yes. So he took a drag and closed the distance between their mouths. He stopped just before they touched and exhaled. Even inhaled and their noses touched a little. The air was filled with tension. They were not used to being so close and not kissing.

“Do it again”.

“Yeah? Did you like it?”

“A lot”

So Isak took another drag and exhaled into Even’s mouth. Even caught his lips this time, just for a second, before inhaling and relaxing.

“Wow. I am definitely enjoying this”

 

* * *

 

  
“Why did you start smoking?”

Even was drawing patterns in Isak’s back and thought about it for a moment before answering.

“Kind of the same as this time. After my first episode they made me quit weed so I wanted to rebel. I wanted to feel _something_. So at the next party I just took one”.

“And did you like it?”

“Not really. I coughed, but I was determined to like it, and at the end of it I took another. At the end of the night I did it kind of right”.

“But did you feel the magic right away?”

“No, I think I didn’t until the end of my first pack. Then I had the moment of ‘wow’”.

“Yeah? It really took you that much?”

“Yes, Isak. Not everyone is like you, mister I felt it right away”. He laughed.

“Well, it was actually the second time”.

“Yeah, but, like the first time you inhaled”.

“Yes….”

“It’s not the usual, Isak. I think you have super nicotine receptors in your brain or something”.

“Shut up…”

“No, but… for real. You should regain some control, ok?”

“Yeah, like you do. You smoke a lot more than me”.

“Not really, not that much more than you anymore. And I think I will have it easier to cut back than you will. When the time comes”.

“Why did you quit the last time? Sonja didn’t like it?”

He scoffed. “Of course Sonja didn’t like it. She didn’t like anything. But that only made me smoke more. I’m a terrible person, but that’s what I did”.

“Then?”

“They changed my medication at one point and as a result I didn’t enjoy smoking anymore. I figured I could take advantage of it and quit. But Isak, even though it was the perfect moment, it wasn’t easy. The withdrawals were terrible”.

“And did you miss it?”

“Sure, for a while every second. Then I started smoking weed and drinking again, and missed it less. Anyway, there wasn’t a day that I didn’t think about it. I’m sorry that I was weak and caved again”.

“I’m not”.

 

* * *

 

 

When the exams passed, Isak was smoking a pack a day, sometimes more. He had gone up fast and wild. Now all his friends knew that he smoked. Jonas still didn’t like it, but he knew better than to say something. He smoked at school, but still didn’t like the socializing part of it. He went to the smokers areas and kept to himself. None of his friends at school smoked anyways, so.

He had discovered that when you smoke that much, the withdrawals that you suffer at nights make the first cigarette of the morning taste _like heaven_. He stopped dreading getting up, because it meant that he could have a smoke. It was literally his reason to wake up.

Then he would have one with coffee, slowly and enjoying it. See, he could still enjoy a few of them. Not _all_ of them. But a few. He wanted to make the most out of his pleasure cigarettes.

On his way to the tram he smoked too. He stopped the nonsense of not smoking while walking. Just because he could not enjoy it completely, didn’t mean it wasn’t good. It filled his lungs just right. In fact, when he was walking his lungs were more open, so he could really feel the sharp pain that he had gotten used to.

While he waited for the tram he would smoke another one, because if the tram was late it meant that he would have to run to get to school, and he wouldn’t be able to smoke before class. So it was like a preventive cigarette.

And he would sneak out after every class to smoke, maybe two if he had to skip a break because the teacher was early. It really helped him to cope with stress, with the exams and everything.

He would restrain to smoke on his way home. He liked to make himself wait to get his pleasure cigarette when he got home. He loved to feel the need, to suffer a bit knowing that it would be fulfilled in a short while.

And then, he would smoke it and it was worth it. He savoured it, puffing slowly and deeply. His mind cleared and he relaxed after a very hard day at school. And then he prepared himself mentally to study all afternoon.

But now, he didn’t have to study, not really, not for a while. So he sat there, after his pleasure cigarette, and thought about what he was going to do.

He didn’t have the excuse anymore. Not like he did before. It was an excuse for himself as much as for Even.

He wasn’t going to quit, of course. He loved it too much. But he didn’t have the need to smoke so much anymore. Stress levels had gone down. So, he resolved, he was going to cut back a little. To make every cigarette a pleasure cigarette. To make them count.

He would, of course, enjoy the first of the morning. It was not negotiable. That one was almost better than sex. And the one with the coffee, of course. And one just before school. Maybe he could wait until he went home to smoke some more, now that he didn’t have exams. Then at home he would smoke one, or maybe two before Even arrived, and then a few more with Even. Before sex, after sex, shotgunning, or just doing some Netflix and chill. They were always amazing.

So it was a resolution, and a good one, he thought.

So he had one left before Even arrived in three hours. Easy cake.

He put Fifa on the console, and played a little bit. He hadn’t play for so long because of the intense studying, and it was nice to feel free again.

Then he started to feel uneasy. He thought he was hungry, and made himself a snack. But that wasn’t it. He realized that he wanted a cigarette.

It only had been half an hour since his resolution, and he was already suffering. But he was convinced that he could do it. He just needed to keep the mind on the price. If he could spend two hours without smoking, the buzz he would get from his pleasure cigarette would be mindblowing. It was a little suffering now, and a big fat reward later.

But it was not just a little suffering. It was a big suffering. He couldn’t concentrate in anything. Tried to watch Netflix, tried to play some more Fifa, tried chatting with his friends. He hated everything. He only had one thought on his mind.

So he indulged. Even would be home in an hour and a half, so maybe after this one he could wait for the next.

He enjoyed it. So. Much. Just because he knew he wasn’t supposed to have it. He smoked it until the filter started to taste weird. He didn’t want it to end.

When he finished, he showered to pass the time more quickly. But to no avail. He figured what the hell and smoked another one while waiting for Even.

When Even arrived home, Isak was smoking again.

“Even, I think I’m fully addicted”.

“I know, baby, I know”.

 

* * *

 

Together they made a more realistic plan, like trying not to pass a pack a day for each of them, and not buying cartons to save, because that way they always had them around. If they had to go to the store every time a pack would finish, they would be a little more careful.

They still enjoyed it too much to stop completely, but they promised each other that someday they would. Together.

(Isak didn’t think he would ever want to, to be honest).


End file.
